Parks and Recreation
Ron Swanson is the mustached, libertarian director of the Pawnee Parks Department on Parks and Recreation, played by Nick Offerman. He loves red meat, brown liquor, woodworking, and being left alone, and he hates government almost as much as he enjoys running a piece of it. His lines land because he says outrageous things in a flat, certain deadpan, treating breakfast food and small government as settled science. Every quote below is paired with its scene or episode.
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have."”
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
“Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”
“There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.”
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.”
“I'd wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
“There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.”
“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
“Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.”
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.”
“Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
“The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am.”
“I'm not interested in caring about people.”
“Turkey can never beat cow.”
“Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
“History began on July 4th, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.”