The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon Cooper is the Caltech theoretical physicist at the center of The Big Bang Theory, a man who treats etiquette, comic books, and the scientific method with equal reverence. His lines land because he says the quiet part out loud, whether that means correcting your grammar, defending his seat on the couch, or explaining why he cries. Below are his real quotes, each with the season and episode it comes from.
“I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.”
“Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.”
“O Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.”
“Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.”
“It must be humbling to suck on so many levels.”
“It's on, bitch.”
“Notify the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary: the word 'plenty' has been redefined to mean 'two.'”
“That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a simple point of consistency.”
“I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.”
“Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.”
“Do you realize what this means?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!”
“Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.”
“Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.”
“One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid.”
“I need to determine where... squateth the toad of truth.”
“All forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.”
“Bazinga!”